Down the rabbit hole and back: How I escaped the cult of ‘trutherism’

Last week I wrote a blog post on how I distanced myself from the spiritual community. This week I want to tell you about how I did the same with the ‘truther community’ or ‘truth movement’. Those movements and the spiritual community are often linked and both are equally cult-like, it just plays out in different ways.

I never really saw myself as part of the ‘truth movement’ or referred to myself as a ‘truther’. I’ve always been resistant to seeing myself as part of a group or movement or follow any kind of hype. Yet I got sucked into it somehow without even noticing and I got affected by it more than I ever intended to.

It all started back in 2009 when I watched the Zeitgeist movie, which has led me to watch other documentaries on Youtube. I had always felt like something was deeply wrong with the world and the way some things are running here, it was all upside down and inverted but I couldn’t explain why. Those documentaries made a lot of sense to me and I can’t deny to this day that some of those were really good documentaries, they are just not designed for people who have aren’t able to look at information with discernment.

I went through a short phase of really being into that stuff but I wasn’t heavily involved. It was in 2013 when I got into it more and went deeper down into the rabbit hole of conspiracy theories. I was dealing with other addictions at the time, ‘researching’ conspiracies were just another addiction that got added to that. I got really into it, it was like the whole world made sense to me and I was one of the few people in the world who could really understand what was going on while most people were completely oblivious to it. Not only was that fascinating, it was also feeding my ego big time.

I had a big ego at the time, I have to admit that, although I wasn’t displaying it publically much. I was way too afraid to talk about any of that conspiracy stuff in public because I didn’t want anyone to think I was a nutter. I’m fucking glad I had that fear because thinking about some of stuff I was buying into back then, I would have really taken the piss out of myself. In the truth movement you are told you need to ‘wake people up’ no matter what but I wasn’t really into that. Trying to convert people to something was never my cup of tea, I sensed that it wasn’t an empowering thing to do and so I refrained from that for most of the time.

My big ego had formed as a result of a traumatic life, involving much physical trauma that had led me to be an ‘ungrounded’ adult due to the brain damage it had caused. Being in ‘fight or flight’ mode so much as a child I had become an adult who was constantly in that state that is also referred to as ‘survival mode’. I was anxious, paranoid and fear-driven. I had switched off my empathy and sensitivity to a large extent (and along with that my intuition) which was devastating for me because I’m naturally a sensitive and empathic person. My view on reality was one-sided, it was like I wasn’t capable of looking at something from different angles. I was a black and white thinker.

All that made me an easy target for the fear-mongering, ego-feeding and addictive bullshit that was floating about in the truth movement. I didn’t have the discernment at the time, although I thought I did. I thought I was more ‘awake’ than everyone else because I didn’t trust the mainstream media, yet when it came to the information that was presented by the truth movement I didn’t apply the rule of ‘question everything’ in the same way.

For a while I distrusted anything coming from mainstream sources. It wasn’t that I blindly trusted anything coming from the truth movement, but I did have this idea in my head that the MSM was bad and the truth movement was good. It was the classic ‘good cop bad cop’ way of thinking that is just so common in ego driven people. My mind was full of dogmatic beliefs and so I had built my own mental prison, the exact prison hard core truthers tell others to get out of.

I saw the world through the lens of ‘trutherism’. I had taken on the one-sided and ungrounded word view that was presented by the truth movement as my own. I was stuck deep down in the rabbit hole, a narrow, dark and lonely place. The people I met deep down in that place were just as mentally ill as I was and I couldn’t truly connect with them in the way I would have liked to.

I ‘woke up’ to the truth movement when I began doing my inner work. I went on a path of facing my shadows and healing trauma. It was a hell of a difficult thing to do for me, it really was. But I was committed to finding the truth after all and I realised that the truth movement wasn’t where I was going to find it. I had to do exactly that what some of the ‘truth gurus’ were preaching, I had to look within and step into my power. The difference between me and those truth gurus was that I was actually doing it – not just talking about it to get money, attention and fame.

Going down the rabbit hole of conspiracy theories is easy, any stupid and arrogant idiot can do that. But going within and facing the depths and the darkest corners of your own psyche, that’s something else. It’s not for the faint-hearted and it’s not for the idiots.

I didn’t want to be an idiot. I wanted to liberate myself.

The more I was exploring my own psyche the more I gained a deep understanding of the world, an understanding that came from within rather than from outside sources. While I was doing that I was led to new outside sources who were more grounded, discerning and in touch with reality. I came across individuals who called out the bullshit on the truth movement and I could see where they were coming from. I always had a strong intuition after all and now that I had ‘switched myself back on’ I was finally able to make use of that.

I came across people who were like me – individuals who would make themselves part of any group – and I was reminded to step into my power and be the strong individual I am, think for myself and speak my own truth, not someone else’s.

I created boundaries – something I had never heard of before. I had to pay the price of letting my fragile little ego crumble to receive the gift that came with building a strong sense of self instead. I had to learn to feed my soul rather than my ego, to talk about things that are empowering rather than draining. That didn’t mean that I had to shut up about the negative things happening in the world, I just had to communicate them in a way that felt empowering to me. I’m not the kind of person who would want to avoid the negative, I enjoy calling things out.

Trying to ‘wake people up’, however, to persuade them that I was right and they were wrong, to make them see something they didn’t want to see, it was all draining and disempowering. I didn’t want to take part in that. I didn’t want to preach to people something I had heard off someone else, I wasn’t into that. I just wanted to express myself from my inner space. And so I did.

I distanced myself from the toxic crowd and their one-sided misinformed opinions. I accepted the fact that the mainstream media isn’t 100% lies and bullshit. It all was up to me being able to pick out the truths. I learnt to be very discerning and use my bullshit detector effectively when taking in any kind of information from any source. Now I put everything through my own filter and I’m proud of having the ability to sense whether something is true or bullshit. I can never be sure, but I trust my intuition.

I began to form my own world view based on my own understanding of the world that I had gained through experience, observation and research. I came to understand that I couldn’t force my world view upon anyone because everyone has a different world view that is entirely unique.

To speak your own truth and say things that are empowering means that you will reach the right people. You don’t have to force anything, it just happens. When you speak your own truth you have no desire to force it upon anyone. I wouldn’t want anyone to blindly believe everything I say and take on my views and opinions without question.

  • ••

The reason why I am writing this post is because it has become clear to me yesterday after the terror attack in Manchester that it’s necessary for me to put my story on this out there. I got myself into some social media battles with people from the truth movement and I had a terribly draining day doing so. I regretted posting my Facebook statuses on the event for some moments, as I was sad about what had happened and I really couldn’t be bothered to deal with people’s insensitive ego-driven comments. I don’t regret it anymore now, I have taken some shit but writing this blog post is my way of turning that shit into gold.

I have stopped looking into the conspiracy theories behind terror attacks a while ago because it doesn’t interest me anymore. I realise that there is always a bigger picture and things going on behind the scenes that we know nothing about, but the truth is, we’ll probably never know.

From my own experience I can tell that those who jump to conclusions right away after such an event and are posting this on social media are doing this to feed their own egos. They want to show everyone that they know better, that they are the first ones who know ‘what’s really going on’, that they are superior over those who are grieving over the lost lives of innocent people. This is extremely pathetic, disrespectful and disgusting.

Some of the things I have seen on mine and other peoples’ Facebook pages yesterday was simply outrageous. The lack of empathy and the sheer coldheartedness made me feel sick. As someone who has an understanding of how the ‘truther virus’ affects peoples’ minds and souls I feel the urge to shed light on this.

  • ••

Having distanced myself from the truther community doesn’t mean I’ve gone back to blindly believing the mainstream media and thinking that conspiracies don’t exist. Not at all.

I have been at both extremes – blindly believing the MSM without question and being infected by the truther virus to an extent. Now I’ve come back to centre, I’ve got my feet on the ground. I’m able to look at things from different angles and perspectives. I’m very discerning and I’m able to admit when I know fuck all about something. I only jump to conclusions when I’m certain about something and that certainty comes from within myself, not anyone out there.

I’m still forming and shaping my view of the world. There are many things I want to explore in time, many views I want to share with the world. I’m proud of my transformation and the hard work I have done to get where I am now.

When I refer to ‘truthers’ or the ‘truth movement’ I’m talking about those who have been infected by that mind virus I am describing in this article, not those who are seeking truth from a healthy and grounded mindset. I’m not talking about those who investigate things for themselves using logic and reason, sharing with others what’s going on behind the scenes without shoving their opinions down anyone’s throat. I’m very glad these sane people exist and are doing their jobs.

The ones I’m calling out are those who are part of the cult the truth movement has become. I don’t tolerate cult-like behaviour and thinking, I will always call that out.

My story is unique, I’m happy I have learnt so much after all. Some people in the truth movement may be like me, people who are trapped in something they don’t actually want to be in because of the way their brains are wired as a result of trauma. I trust that those people will find their way out eventually. Others, however, are so pathologically insane, the will never be able to get rid of the virus, not that they would recognise it anyway. One has to be careful within any movement driven by unresolved material (which are essentially cults) because they are all infiltrated with those types who turn well-meaning people into idiotic copies of them.

Perhaps this article will help one or the other person to find their way out of the cult or at least question themselves. That’s what I hope, anyway. I hate to see vulnerable people falling into traps like that.

The rabbit hole may be exciting for a while but it’s a miserable place after all. I’m glad to see the sun again.

4 thoughts on “Down the rabbit hole and back: How I escaped the cult of ‘trutherism’

  1. I can relate to your experiences as my Awakening in 2011 was a hard landing, and that was after years of being in survival mode since my early years.

    This information in the way it was presented somehow validated my long running frustration and suspicions that the whole ‘reality’ I had been told to believe in was a scam.

    I eventually found my own way out because of the behavior of other truthers being heavily critical and launching rancid virulent comments at each other and myself made me disillusioned with the ability of this group to effect any real change. The truther community has very absolute standards about what must be agreed upon with differing cult-views on various topics and there was no way any form of collective escape from the system could take place as everyone is different.

    People will carry on doing what they like and if its off the cliff then its their choice. I made it a choice not to care as its better for my health.

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  2. The truther movement is indeed a cult and co-opted. Another layer of CT sadly. But it also reflects the sad state of affairs with the current consciousness, or lack of it, within Humanity.
    With respect to recent events in Manchester, the truth may never come out in the official story. The event does appear to come at a convenient time to gain support for further Jingoistic processes that are planned and desired by a large proportion of the so called world leadership, including those in the UK. That does not however rule out crazed fanatics who want to take out there hatred against innocent people. Yet the West have done just that for a long time in the cause of profit and power mongering. I am sad for any suffering and want all sides to heal this terrible evil. We will not do this by accepting convenient cover stories however. We need to look to how all this started and hence find our solutions from there. If not we will mindlessly backlash forevermore.

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  3. I was once a hardened conspiracy researcher and the quest to know the unknowable almost destroyed me. Much like yourself I have very little interest in conspiracy theories anymore as I learnt the hard way that it is simply a mental trap. Many individuals within the so called ‘truther’ movement have fallen for the classic double bluff plot line used in so many murder mystery stories. They are absolutely convinced that they know who the murder is and they will stop at nothing to inform people of this. However in reality they are simply being fooled because the real murder has already set up the scene in such a way so that they will never be discovered.

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