Being a complex woman (or man)

You know who you are and that you’re not of this world. They told you something was wrong with you but you didn’t give up on yourself. Anything that you did despite it not feeling right has led you to feeling terribly unfulfilled. Any time you gave in, you let your head lead rather than your heart, you got miserable. You had to learn to play by your own rules even if the whole world didn’t understand that, you had to go after what felt right to you even if it was something way beyond the social norm.

You wanted to be loved deeply the way you are but you’ve come to realise, it’s so rare to find that. You are so persistent on getting what you want, you couldn’t choose any other way. It leads to disappointments, puts you down that dark path again to face a few more of your demons, you can’t stand that stuff inside you anymore so the only way to free yourself from it is to face it. You’ve done it so many times before and you’ll do it again.

You’re intelligent, a complex thinker, how could anyone understand your thought processes and how they are created. It’s frustrating. You want to be understood so badly but at the same time you don’t want to give a shit, you just want to be free of any concerns of how other people see you and yet you overthink how other people will see you, you can’t get those thoughts out of your head.

You want to help others but just how they don’t understand your world you don’t understand theirs, you’re in a world of your own, one that you have put so much hard work into creating and making beautiful, in a harsh and cold world like this one where you just don’t fit in at all, that’s the only way to go. If you don’t fit into this world you have to create a world that fits for you regardless of what anyone thinks about that, even if they try to hold you back. You have to be persistent.

Your world falls apart just so you can create a new one, you know it’s an opportunity, you’ve given up explaining yourself to anyone. You have no choice but be that strong individual you were born to be. You always get pulled back onto that one path that is right for you. You’ve gone through so much pain and you’ve come to resent this world, yet you have this desire to serve it. You are so committed to serve the world that you have to be selfish in order to protect yourself and not overdo it. You wish to help everyone, even those who don’t want it and it leaves you wondering how anyone could willingly choose not to unfold their greatest potential and choose full aliveness.

No one can lock you into a cage, certainly not after you’ve been through all those efforts of freeing yourself from all the cages you had built in your mind. Truth is your first priority and so is freedom. You want love and you want freedom, they say you can’t have both but is it true? You don’t accept their version of the truth, you question it and take it apart until there’s nothing left because it’s all been a comfortable deception, one that has served us so well as a plaster to stick on our wounds so that we’d never have to delve into them and face the pain.

That path of the fearless ones that you came here to walk. You know where you find the gold and there’s nothing that will stop you from finding it. They said they wouldn’t let you down and they meant it, but it got to the point where you drove them to their limits, to a depth that they didn’t want to go into. The deep sea wasn’t for them. You became a threat and so did they, you didn’t want to give in this time, you had to be consistent and persistent, you didn’t want to betray yourself again.

The world is tragic, that’s the nature of it. You dive back into the deep sea, this time even deeper. “Burn everything, leave it in the past. Let the waves take you away to where you belong” – as I wrote in a song years ago. The song was more meaningful than I realised back then. The song was called ‘Underwater Clouds’.

Dive in the water and swim away

The world is made of clouds in the deep sea

You can’t understand why I’m going there

But you will see

I created something special

The clouds are part of me

 Burn everything, leave it in the past

Let the waves take you away to where you belong

Let the rivers flow and free your mind

Underwater clouds

Give you a sign

 I sang this song on a big stage in London, it was a magical night, I would have never thought I’d be doing this. I knew, my dreams would always come true if I remained persistent.

As a complex person you follow your dreams, you may lose touch to reality at times but something always pulls you back to the ground, even if that makes you fall hard and it’s painful. You can’t do any different. You don’t do normal and you don’t do ordinary. You don’t do boring and you don’t do restrictive.

Been dragged through the shit and it’s made you feel alive, it’s made you real. You don’t do fake and you don’t do comfortable lies. You do courage and adventure. You do freedom and true love. At the same time, with no restrictions. You do the hard work and the deepest form of joy. You do realistic and imaginative at the same time. In fact, you do so much at the same time. You are so much at the same time. You’re not only black and white, you’re all shades of grey and all colours.

It was beautiful when I went on Facebook this morning and the first thing I saw was this status by my friend Thabit. It sums it all up so perfectly.

“I am beautifully complex with many ways of expressing myself. There’s my mindful grounded introverted part, my playful spontaneous goofy part, my energetic angry honest part, my lying deceiving manipulating egoic part, my compassionate giving altruistic part, my cold insensitive brutal part and last not least my masculine macho beast mode part! Know and embrace your unique parts and love them all unconditionally, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.”

And for a moment you feel understood, you read the words of someone as free spirited and soulful as you are and it connects you, you know that you’re never alone. You came here to create extraordinary magical things, it’s in your nature. So let your beautiful soul shine bright in which ever way works for you. Set yourself on fire and let your creativity flow.

Turn everything into art, into gold, alchemise, make love where there was none and liberate your soul. And be persistent.


blackout bw

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